They're Going to Put Me in the Movies...

...they're going to make a big star out of me!

My grandma has had a BUSY week while she's been in the hospital. I'm not sure what kind of hospital she was in but whatever they were dispensing...I want some!!

Seems grandma starred in a movie while she was in the hospital. A film crew came in and did her hair and make-up. We don't know the name of the movie or what it is about...we just have to watch for her. We'll know it when we see it.

/snort

The people across the hall were quite jealous of grandma. They threw a HUGE party with balloons and flowers and lots and lots of food. They raised quite the ruckus and never even once invited her to join the fun. The crazy people were laughing and pointing and making fun of grandma the whole time while she laid in bed. They disrupted the WHOLE floor.

The nerve of SOME people. LOL

Supposedly, she NEVER left the bed. She never got up and walked. Never used the walker to walk down the hallway. Never left her room.

uh huh. right. <snicker>

The hospital was bombed. There was a loud explosion at 4am one morning. People were running and screaming. Grandma's room was the only room not damaged. She had to get out of the bed and take cover. (and she did!) Thank goodness they had set the bed alarm on her!

They gave grandma some good $#it!

For some reason, the nurses put grandma's TV and pictures on the floor. Grandma (who never left her bed) had to stand up to watch the TV that was lying on the floor. My mom only laid on the floor – she never sat in a chair. My aunt always walked on the slanted floor – like at a funhouse.

But as grandma was coming off the Morphine, Dilaudid, Vicodin, and other assorted narcos, she saw goblins hanging from her ceiling. Hundreds of goblins hanging by their toes looking down at grandma and laughing.

Grandma was a trip!!

Don't even try telling her none of this happen. IT DID HAPPEN!! She is NOT crazy.

uh huh. right. <snicker>

I will say this...Her doctor was not aware of how differently elderly patients react to narcotic pain medicine. They usually react totally the opposite than expected. Add on top of that hospital psychosis which is common in confined elderly patients and you've got a 95-year-old grandma who is looped out of her gourd!! The doc wanted to argue with us. He lost. He sucked.

Grandma is doing better. We got her out of the hospital and she's getting detoxed with lots of bacon and fried eggs. She's happy.

Now...someone give US some pain meds!!
...or lots of alcohol!!

Why Do We Have Fingers?

Just stop for a moment and look at your hand. It's an amazing thing. It has five nimble fingers attached to it capable of doing all sorts of amazing things. Think of everything your hands and fingers can do. Wiggle, scratch, poke, twirl, bend, wave, demand, tap, clap, point, seduce, push and so much more. Awesome!!

Keep that thought.

Grandma still has all her fingers and toes. And I assume they were all still working until last night.

See, grandma got up in the middle of the night around 2am to make a pit stop. OK. No biggie. We all do that. The joys of growing old.

Fail #1:  No hands were used to turn on a light.

Grandma started to head back to the bed and WHACK! she did a face plant into her shower door and then bounced onto the floor landing square on her butt and back. Based on the bruising and knot on her forehead, she saw stars and probably briefly knocked herself out. Grandma laid there for a few minutes in pain. Ten minutes passed. Maybe half an hour went by. After some time, grandma CRAWLED back to her bed in the dark. On the floor. With no Life Alert button around her neck.

Fail #2:  No hands were used to place a Life Alert device around your neck.

It's going on 3am now. Grandma crawls back into bed. In the dark. In pain. She uses her hands to grab a flashlight to see what time it is. Don't ask. She lays there a long time. The Life Alert device is next to the bed with the flashlight and cool invention called The Telephone.

Fail #3:  No hands were used to pick up a phone OR a Life Alert device.

Now it's almost 5am. THREE hours later. She decides to call her daughter.

I've fallen and I can't get up. Should I push the Life Alert button?
::crickets::

Fail #4:  No fingers were used to push the damn button.

FINALLY, grandma uses her fingers to push the Life Alert button.

Mom gets to grandma's apartment as the EMTs are trying get in the gated complex. That's right. Emergency vehicles are UNABLE to get to an emergency call within a SENIOR apartment complex.

Fail # 5:  Failure to plan for after hour access for emergency vehicles.

Once they got in, they had to break down grandma's door. A door that is deadbolted from the inside at a senior apartment complex. Hmmmm...didn't anyone think that this type of facility might need to have access to get into an apartment on a more frequent basis due to the nature of the facility and its senior occupants?

Fail #6:  Failure to plan for emergencies.

The EMTs were very nice. They got grandma to the hospital. X-rays and CT scans were ordered. Grandma is enjoying the morphine. Mom is looking for the scotch. Grandma has a LOT of pain and discomfort but at this time nothing appears broken.

Her head matches her purple night gown and purple bedspread. At least she doesn't have blue hair. That would clash.

She's going to spend a few days in the hospital to make sure everything is ok.

I've asked the doctors to double check her hands and fingers to make sure they're working properly.

Maybe they should check her head, too...I have some concerns. It might be short a couple of chips short of a full bag.