Ham...The New Fruitcake

Once upon a time, in a reality far, far, FAR away, lived a little old grandma with too much time on her hands. Everyday she would go to the grocery store to buy food for the day never believing to consolidate her trips to save gas or money.

One day while wondering the grocery store and visiting with the many other town folk who were enjoying their daily trip to the store, grandma found a lovely ham. A ham like no other ham. A ham of magnificent proportions. A ham to beat all other hams. A cheap, damn ham. Grandma thought she must have this ham to put in her freezer for use later when company came to call. She will cook it and everyone will enjoy the delicious ham she found. So she bought the cheap, damn ham and took it home.

The ham went home with grandma where it rested in her refrigerator for several days. Grandma removed all the labeling and wrapped it loosely in tinfoil and a plastic grocery sack and placed it in her freezer. There the ham stayed. And stayed. And stayed. For how long, no one knows for sure.

Until one day grandma moved. The freezer was loaded onto the truck with all its treasured frozen foods...her pecans, peaches, Magnum Ice Cream bars and the cheap, damn ham...and off to the big city they went. It moved to a new home with a new family where they began filling it with new things like vegetables and chicken and pork chops and beef and pizza for the boy.

Grandma started missing her freezer. She was concerned about her pecans, peaches, Magnum Ice Cream bars and the cheap, damn ham. She grew lonely because her new freezer was empty. The new family took grandma her Magnum Ice Cream bars and pecans and peaches but grandma was still uneasy. She was concerned about her ham.

She asked weekly and then began asking daily about her ham. "You need to cook the ham." "Have you cooked the ham yet?" "Take the ham to your mother and let her cook and eat the ham." "How's the ham?"

Finally, the new family took the frozen, cheap, damn ham to grandma's new freezer. "Please, cook the ham. Eat it and enjoy. It's yours." 

Grandma didn't cook the ham. It sat lonely in her new freezer. The pecans and peaches were gone and the Magnum Ice Cream bars were eaten LONG ago.


The ham was sad. No one wanted it it. The cheap, damn ham felt unloved.

Then one day, grandma gave the cheap, damn ham to a new home! It was SO excited!! Maybe this home wanted it. Maybe someone would finally cook the cheap, damn ham and love it and make sandwiches and soup and sandwiches.

Wrong.

The cheap, damn ham went to a new home with a new freezer with new friends...a fruitcake. The fruitcake was loosely wrapped in tinfoil in a grocery bag. The cheap, damn ham and the fruitcake became best buddies and welcomed all the other new friends wrapped loosely in tinfoil that came to stay throughout the years.

The End.